Monday, June 20, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen: A Return from Mediocrity.

Instead of whining about how I never have time to post anymore, I'm going to tell you a story.

Despite all the controversy around babies, I have never heard an entirely convincing explanation for their existence.  I find it terribly difficult to believe that upright and respectable Mr. Stork would voluntarily do the lowly grunt-work necessary to transport each and every baby to their respective owners. Equally unbelievable is the theory that a man and a woman share some sort of "special hug". I've given hundreds, maybe thousands of hugs; to my family, my friends... everyone! And I've yet to encounter a child. I felt, that for my sake, no, the WORLD'S sake, it was my duty to discover the true origins of babies, no matter what the cost.

Rather than beginning my quest by asking adults (who are naturally prone to lying), I decided to ask children, for they are young, and would probably remember the most about the mysterious circumstances surrounding their being. After listening to several versions of the propaganda stories fathomed by adults to mask the truth, I realized that my interviewees had been tainted; I had to get even closer to the source. So, as any dedicated journalist would, I borrowed a baby, put her in my bicycle basket, and began pedaling around town, making notes about her various grunts and motions, and thus discovered the true origins of children.   

To acquire a baby, one must first choose a fitting partner, and develop a trusting relationship. After this has been accomplished, the couple must go to the DMV, and fill out an application to obtain a child. After the application has been reviewed, the order is sent to a very special ToysRUs, located in the north pole. ToysRUs manufactures the baby, then freeze-dries it and sends it to the local hospital of the recipient parents. When the baby has arrived, the parents are notified, and they come in to get their child. The parents, however, are often unawares that they will have to re-hydrate their child (as at this point, it looks something like a dried apricot) before taking it home. This process almost always sends the mother into hysterics, and leaves the baby covered in sticky glue left over from the freeze drying process.

And that, my friends, is how babies are born.