Monday, June 20, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen: A Return from Mediocrity.

Instead of whining about how I never have time to post anymore, I'm going to tell you a story.

Despite all the controversy around babies, I have never heard an entirely convincing explanation for their existence.  I find it terribly difficult to believe that upright and respectable Mr. Stork would voluntarily do the lowly grunt-work necessary to transport each and every baby to their respective owners. Equally unbelievable is the theory that a man and a woman share some sort of "special hug". I've given hundreds, maybe thousands of hugs; to my family, my friends... everyone! And I've yet to encounter a child. I felt, that for my sake, no, the WORLD'S sake, it was my duty to discover the true origins of babies, no matter what the cost.

Rather than beginning my quest by asking adults (who are naturally prone to lying), I decided to ask children, for they are young, and would probably remember the most about the mysterious circumstances surrounding their being. After listening to several versions of the propaganda stories fathomed by adults to mask the truth, I realized that my interviewees had been tainted; I had to get even closer to the source. So, as any dedicated journalist would, I borrowed a baby, put her in my bicycle basket, and began pedaling around town, making notes about her various grunts and motions, and thus discovered the true origins of children.   

To acquire a baby, one must first choose a fitting partner, and develop a trusting relationship. After this has been accomplished, the couple must go to the DMV, and fill out an application to obtain a child. After the application has been reviewed, the order is sent to a very special ToysRUs, located in the north pole. ToysRUs manufactures the baby, then freeze-dries it and sends it to the local hospital of the recipient parents. When the baby has arrived, the parents are notified, and they come in to get their child. The parents, however, are often unawares that they will have to re-hydrate their child (as at this point, it looks something like a dried apricot) before taking it home. This process almost always sends the mother into hysterics, and leaves the baby covered in sticky glue left over from the freeze drying process.

And that, my friends, is how babies are born.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I am going to win High School.

You know why? Because I'm great. When I'm 87 and pooping in diapers, I'm going to look back and say, "HEY! I HAVEN'T ALWAYS POOPED IN DIAPERS. I WAS EDITOR IN CHEIF AND DRUM MAJOR AND I GOT MY GOLD AWARD AND I WON HIGH SCHOOL".

Hopefully, unless I don't actually do any of those things, or I don't live to be 87, or I get alzheimers.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sorry I haven't posted for like 50 years,

but my life has gone from overwhelmingly busy to nightmarish. But it's alright, because I am going to be happy someday.

Today someone asked me if I participate in all these activities to get into college. I am sort of proud to say that I honestly don't. I really just want to get the best out of my talents and youth, so hopefully when I'm old I'll have some fond memories to look back on.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Spring Break...

Cannot come soon enough; seriously, this week feels like it's taken a thousand years already, and it's only Wednesday. On the plus side, I get to go on a college road trip with my best friend and her awesome mother over break, and I'm stoked. I don't want to sound negative, because good 'ol Alta Loma will always be my home, but I really need to get out of here. Like really.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I haven't had an illustrated post in awhile,

primarily because I'm lame and life keeps being like "Hey, let me give you excellent ideas for blog posts when you either have no access to a computer, or when you have under three minutes to type something up!" So now I'm sitting here void of any awesome post ideas, except to inform you guys that I think the lump I got on my head from running into a pole last week is almost definitely turning into a nasty tumor.

I met Mrs. McBride! In real life!

And she is one cool human being. I don't know how old she is, nor will I venture a guess, but I can say I hope I'm as awesome as her if I get to be that age. Not that I'm not planning to get to that age, but you know, I could get hit by a bus or a meteorite or something.

Friday, February 18, 2011

If you're into mixed media type art-y stuff,

Check out my new crafts blog!
So far, there're a lot of pictures of school projects, as well as my in-progress poetry book,
as well as some of my other crafty things.
There are also instructions on how to make things!
Check it out :)