Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What to do if your dad comes home reeking of pee and pine-sol

1. Ensure that it is in fact your father, and not a pine-sol covered bear (although they are more likely to smell like pine-sol and death)

2. If it is your father, proceed to step 3. If it is a bear, try offering up any small child or pet in the vicinity (this will only buy you the 3-5 seconds it takes a bear to devour children/pets)

3. Take an overly dramatic whiff, feign choking (depending on the concentration of the pine-sol, and your proximity to your father, you may feel lightheaded after this step).

4. If he has not yet rushed to your immediate aid, continue for several minutes while moaning. When he asks what's wrong, say you must be having a reaction to something foreign in the air, and ask where he's been

5. When he says something like "I washed the floor with pine-sol, rolled around in it, then spent all day doing intense manual labour" Ask him (as your last request, as you are surely going to die any moment) to take a shower.

6. While he's in the shower, obtain rubber gloves. Immediately throw anything he may have been wearing (sweaters, shoes, ets) into the fireplace and burn. If you still have time, scrub everything he touched since his arrival. Don't use pine-sol.

7. When your father returns from his shower, he will be so relived that the light of his life is still alive that he won't even ask where his favorite sweater and shoes are. You win!


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