Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Unicorn Story.

            Once upon a time there was a Unicorn named Neilse who lived in Sweden, where (as I'm sure you all know) all Unicorns come from. His golden mane danced in the wind, and all of the lady Unicorns wanted to have his foals, but Neilse was not interested in making foals with these lovely lady Unicorns, because the sordid truth was that Neise did, and always had, wanted to be a human.
            I think it's about time to let you in on a little secret: there are no humans from Sweden. Any Swedish person you may have met in your life is really an exilled Unicorn wearing a shameful human suit. The issue is, these suits aren't meant to be permanent, they're meant to give their fellow Unicorns a scare by showing them how beastly and mundane life as a human is, but some Unicorns find that they actually enjoy being human.
           For most of his young life, Neilse controlled his urges to live with the barbarian humans, satiating himself with banned sit-coms and magazines. This, however, could not keep into his adult years, after he finished school and most of his friends had already settled down with a nice mare and started making foals. Once he heard the whispers around him, he knew he had to act fast; he quickly married a beautiful, and inordinately stpuid mare, but still held off on making foals.
           A few months into their marrige, Neilse begain to lose control; his wife had begun to wonder why an upstanding stallion such as Neilse would want to hold off on having foals for so long. His troubles finally came to a pinnicle when she found his human magazines, and he was forced to explain his facination with humans. Needless to say, she was horrified and disgusted; she went back to live with her parents, and Neilse was left to bear the scandal alone.
          After many months of isolation, Neilse began to lose hair in odd places, within a week his whole underbelly was bald. Another week, and his whole body was nearly bald, save the top of his head, some near his muzzle, and a few other choice places. His bristly skin became smooth and blotchy; he also found that he was losing weight rapidly, and his forelegs were shortening. After a month of agonizing transformation, Neilse was human.
         Under cover of night, Neilse slipped out of his house, and travelled several nights thereafter before finally reaching Norway, where he slowly worked up enough money for a plane ticket to California. He earned a decent wage in California, working for Ikea, married an American human named Mary-Sue and fathered a few children. By the time he reached old age, he had saved a considerable amount of money, and planned a journey around the world with his wife.
           Alas, when the time came, his wife became too weak to make the voyage, but she insisted that Neilse  should make the trip alone. Initially Neilse refused, but after many arguements, he found himself on a plane to Switzerland. Upon landing, Neilse boarded a train to Bern, Switzerland, which (as I'm sure my well-travelled readers know) is famous for bears, who, upon smelling the reminants of a Unicorn (their favorite snack) promptly devoured him upon his arrival.

1 comment:

  1. I would like to see some illustrations for this awesome story.

    p.s. I collected unicorns until I was 19. ( the fake ceramic images, not the actual things. I've never been to Sweden).